Tuesday, April 30, 2013

We Can't Control The Universe & Other Terrible Navel Gaze-y Thoughts.

I should know better than to assume there is reason for the way things happen in the universe.

But sometimes I just can't help it. It's human, isn't it, to look for patterns even when there aren't any?

Like when it seems that the moment one issue in my life starts to clear up, something completely new and unexpected goes wrong. Something as lame as I get a haircut to simplify my life and easy the weight on my neck. Then, in the process of driving away from the salon, my car's engine starts to spaz out.

Or, when it seems that something is just destined to go wrong, like a fixed point in time. My engine spazzing out reminded me of how, two years ago, I was rear-ended one evening by a pizza delivery girl. There was no visible damage, it hadn't even felt like that much of an impact, she was freaked, and we both had places to be- so I just shook it off and said that we both seemed to be fine so no need to call anyone about it.

The next morning, my car was totaled in an accident that was my fault.

I still don't really understand how it managed to happen. And I'm still desperately sorry to the man who also had his morning ruined by the accident. But we were both alive and uninjured, and that's a pretty big upside. But it was almost as if I was supposed to lose that car that week.

But it takes some pretty big balls to say that's how things work. That there's a reason why an incredibly nice woman that wouldn't hurt a fly develops a rare disease that turns her brain to mush and kills her before she can meet her grandchildren. That there's a reason why anyone gets cancer when someone that smokes 3 packs a day stays fine. That there's a reason why any baby just doesn't make it to see their first birthday.

And, of course, once I remove myself from the moment of "Oh my god, my car will not move forward and there is a line of angry drivers behind me! Aaaaaaack!" I realize how ridiculously small and silly my car troubles are compared to everything else in the world. I can get my car fixed (or hope that it fixes itself magically overnight) as I can afford to get my car fixed.

And all it takes is two seconds on Facebook to see someone that is having a week a thousand times rougher than me. To be thankful that my biggest concern is, really, that I need to clean out my car before I take it to a mechanic. As it is truly ridiculously trashed on the inside. That is not a problem. Not by a long shot.

But I do feel like I can't control things. And I wish I could, just a little. So, I'm going to go do what I always do when I feel like I can't control things for anyone, let alone myself.  Go donate my lunch budget for the week to DonorsChoose.org. And maybe watch some Gilmore Girls.

I'm sorry I can't help out more, you guys. I'm here for you, though.

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