Back To Who

From 2006 through 2011, I was obsessive about Doctor Who. I have a TARDIS minifridge. I have the minifigures. I taught myself how to torrent files so that I could watch it the day that episodes aired in the UK. I even was saving up to by a Slingbox and pay a friend in England for their TV license for better access to episodes. Obsessed. I brought my laptop with me to my family's Christmas Day party so that I could torrent the Christmas Specials safely to watch when everyone else got boring. I forced the show onto dozens of friends until they loved it.

Then... I fell out of love. The writing when Steven Moffat first took over just didn't do it for me and I was having trouble with how unlikeable the character of Amy Pond was becoming in the fifth series. I was getting bitter.

I also was finally full-time employed in 2011, which took up a lot of my time that had previously been devoted to thinking obsessively about Doctor Who.

In 2012, I sporadically caught up with series 6, but was still having issues with the writing.

And, up until last week, I had not seen the most recent 15 episodes.

I only watched them because my nostalgic brain wanted to at least attempt to enjoy the 50th Anniversary. I want to see Ten and Rose, okay? I also am intrigued to see Peter Capaldi's take on the character (and it's a bit of a trip to realize that Capaldi is the same age as William Hartnell was when the show started), as I'm thrilled that we're returning to having a more mature actor as the character and it allows for characters to react to him in a different way from the previous two Doctors. While I do think that Matt Smith is a good actor and definitely has improved over the years, Capaldi just has an amazing weight to his acting at times. If you've only see him in The Thick of It or Fires of Pompeii, you need to see his performance in Torchwood: Children of Earth. You need to drop everything and go watch it now. He completely steals the show and tops himself with each installment.

It turns out that series 7 was actually much more my speed. More plots that were along the lines of what I considered a "classic" Doctor Who episode type. The Eleventh Doctor was finally very Doctor-y. And Clara wasn't too much of a focus-stealer, while still being an interesting character and a character I could adore (and covet the wardrobe of, yowza).

So, now I have just over a week to sit on my hands about the 50th Anniversary. And the excitement is building. I've already watched the mini episode below and was thrilled with the content of it (despite the slight brain-breaking logic being implied).


I'm really having to suppress my anticipation, though. I'm just going to be disappointed if I let it continue to build. But I think I might do a few Who-related posts in the next week, just to get some thoughts out about the episodes I caught up on.

Post-C2E2 2013: Alone in A Crowd Part 2

See the previous post for where this started for more backstory....

Not from C2E2, but from the Paley Center in Los Angeles. I felt it was relavent, though.

My roommate and I know each other because of fandom. Many of our other friendships have either started via fandom or have been strengthened by fandom. But we've both also been that person that's all alone. It's a bit of a "hermits united" effort with very little effort.

Sure, it's probably normal to be the one person in your family that gets a Battlestar Galactica reference. Or the only person in your office. But there's something also so isolating about knowing that you have so many things in common with the people around you yet you feel like you can't speak to them. That you can't enjoy things the way they enjoy them. That there's an invisible glass between you.

It's not a gender thing. It's not an age thing. It's not an intelligence or "how nerdy are you" thing.

It's just a thing.

But we've also both been to conventions where we don't speak to anyone other than vendors trying to sell something. She's more out-going than I am- she likes to cosplay, she likes to strike up conversations with people, she likes to be photographed, she likes to take photographs with other cosplayers. Like I said, she's awesome enough to offer to go up and ask a question for me if I'm too shy to go up. She will drag me down autograph lines and start conversations when my jaw locks up too much. But she feels it, too.

We had whimpers of conversations start up with strangers here and there, but nothing that continued. We spent two days submerged in geekdom and didn't make any new friends. Two years in a row. The closest we got was the adorable baby on the shuttle that was drawn in by my glasses (especially when I do the Marty-from-Grease glasses wiggle that makes it look like they're dancing on my face) and kept looking at us.

I just can't manage to put myself out there to be part of the community I'm in. I specifically don't wear even a fandom-y t-shirt to conventions. I don't attempt to make new friends via twitter. I haven't updated my livejournal in ages. I don't friend anyone on facebook unless they friend me first. I don't even comment on message boards outside the private one I have with some friends.

I haven't even told anyone, other than my roommate, that this site exists.

But this goes back even further.

 I went to my first convention alone as a teenager and left after an hour. They get too overwhelming for me if I don't have someone else there to ground me- to be the lightning rod. Even the small ones, which I've also gone to alone, I end up leaving soon. I realize that I just can't make the connection with anyone. When I moved across the country on my own, I went to special movie screenings where I could've spoken to people but didn't. The friends I made were a fluke- I was lucky they were extroverts and into so many things I was into. So willing to be my new fast friends and family. And then their friends became my friends.

I try to make an effort to make sure to comment on websites (blog/news-style ones, mostly) that I like, but often realize that it has been 3-to-6 months since the last time I left a comment (thanks, Disqus!). I'm not a "regular" anywhere. And I really almost never comment on YouTube. I'm only just reaching the point where I'm making an effort to "Like" things I do like. That's why this site does exist. To make me speak. To maybe, every once in a while, say what's not already getting said? I can't be the only silent person, can I? No, because I see the view counters on my blogger account. I know how many visits I get yet end up with not a single comment (and, no, I'm not fishing here).

I think people still don't really understand fandom. People understand the vocal members of fandom- but they don't speak for the rest of us. That's part of what is so isolating. Oddly enough, I think part of why I suddenly felt the need to silently disagree with Peter Davison was due to Doctor Who fandom. Maybe that's why I feel so outed- because I feel like I'm not allowed to be in my favorite fandoms anymore. I don't want to be the negative person that won't leave the party and ruins it for everyone, but it also makes it hard to continue to love what I loved when everyone moves on without me.

I have nothing against Matt Smith, but I don't like the current run of Doctor Who. I went in cautiously to the Steven Moffat era, having seen how worn-out the Russell T Davies specials had been and knowing the show needed a breath of fresh air, and found myself let down even more than I could imagine. After just over a season and a half, I had to stop making myself miserable by watching it. And now I feel left behind.

But since I'm not one of the people speaking, I feel like I'm completely left out now.

No, that's not quite it. I don't know, honestly. I just do find fandom to be a very isolating "crowd adjacent" experience. That much I know is true.

Post-C2E2 2013: Alone in a Crowd (Part One)

Roommate at C2E2 2012 as her alter-ego

This was the second year my roommate and I ventured to C2E2. And the second time where, despite having 3 Day Passes, we were dead on our feet before Sunday arrived.

I really wanted to walk Artist's Alley this year a lot more than last year. I wanted to find some original art to purchase for decorating our apartment as well as possibly find some artists to commission for work to be used in the re-design of this very site (or rather, design, as this stock blogger.com template was never supposed to last this long). But we didn't make it to Artist's Alley until Saturday and by mid-afternoon it was so overflowing in spots that I couldn't even reach some of the tables. I grabbed some cards, though, as did the roommate. I only ended up buying a couple things. There were a few items I'd love to go back for, but there was no time and I'm better off waiting to spend the money (I tell myself).

Hopefully, though, I will find someone to help create some original art for this site (feel free to email lamb@invisiblerobotgirl.com with some examples of your work if you'd like to help. Any art I end up using will be paid for, the signatures and credit of the artist(s) will be displayed, and links will be displayed prominently on the sidebar leading to your own site/portfolio/ect).

Next time, though, I think we'll try to make an effort to hit up Artist's Alley either on Friday (which is always lighter) or only in the mornings. The crowds were definitely bigger this year and are probably going to be bigger next year.

 But, while the crowds grew, the variety of booths on the floor shrunk. This time around, it seemed that way too much was just the re-selling of mass produced items. A lot of the same t-shirts at different booths. A lot of the same toys. One booth blatantly had items that were marked "Exclusively at Walmart"- with the new Walmart logo and spelling. Hand-crafted things were hard to find and when we did find them, some just weren't worth the price. It started to really get ridiculous once we hit the steampunk booths. The same 20 mass produced pocket watches that are all over the internet at every booth, and giant price mark-ups on anything with gears glued onto it (and this is coming from a girl that owns a handful of items with that description).

The panel selections this year were much better than last year, however. Which probably has a lot to do with the increase in numbers. Kevin Smith was doing one of his An Evening with Kevin Smith events for a separate fee that sold out months ago. Patton Oswalt did a Q&A in the IGN theater that already had a line when we showed up an hour and fifteen minutes early.

Patton was fantastic and loose, despite how lackluster some of the questions were. Only about two girls asked questions out of the whole lot. I have this wonderful weird reaction to famous people I like and/or admire where I not only just freeze, I shutdown and implode. So, the roommate was elbowing me to see if I could come up with anything to ask and she would go ask it for me. But I couldn't. 

The best part of Patton's panel was the insult war he and Brian Posehn were having during it. Posehn was in the audience and started texting snarky geeky insults to Patton. Then Patton would read the text outloud and insult Posehn back (sometimes not in that order). Most of the comments were about each other's height (Patton being short, Posehn being tall) and weight (both being overweight). And Patton ended the whole Q&A with reading the final text from Posehn, which just read, "Go back to Dagobah."

On Friday, we only made it to one panel and to make sure we had seats, we ended up sitting in on the end of the Marvel panel on how to break into comics, which was very very awkward as all the advice was very outdated and referring to how the comic book industry functioned in the 90s. While it's likely that Marvel still functions like that, it doesn't seem like a great way to have a real career in comics. The next day, we did essentially the same thing, but were sitting in on the end of a Vertigo panel. The Vertigo panel seemed a tad more in touch with how the industry is today. Also: funnier. They were actually mostly just presenting on what was coming up next for Vertigo rather than intending to advise- but some of the questions were the same.

The one panel on Friday was the Felicia Day Q&A. It was packed to the gills but really enjoyable. She wasn't there to promote anything and she was, well, Felicia Day. How do you go wrong there? The thing I liked about Felicia's "panel" was that she knew how to encourage reactions out of the audience without making it seem trite. She requested that everyone that asked a question also tell her where the best pizza in Chicago happened to be. She then also started a slightly Packers/Bears battle without meaning to. But I love that she knew how to get people talking and feeling comfortable with her. Because she's Felicia Day.

There was one bug that starting to gnaw at me during the panel, though. Felicia mentioned that in the past 8 or so years, there have been more "geeky" girl characters and that it's nice to see that they are showing up more in shows and being portrayed as silly yet also brilliant. And the "fake geek girl" issue was briefly touched on. But... something didn't sit right with me.

On Saturday, after the line for Patton Oswalt, we decided to head right up to wait for our next panel: The Fierce Females of Television. Originally, there had been some thoughts of staying put so that we could see the 1960s Batman panel with Burt Ward and Julie Newmar (my roommate even played with dressing up as Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo... and getting a copy of the movie for Julie Newmar to sign. I adore all things Batman and especially Julie Newmar, but we cared a lot more about the Fierce Female panel and knew we could get better seats for that than we'd manage in the IGN theater without VIP badges. 

So, we were third and fourth in line for the Fierce Females, but we were smart. The room was lined with people that couldn't get seats because they didn't come soon enough. There was a ridiculous under-estimate of how big of a room would be needed for the panel. The speakers were Ashely Eckstein of Her Universe and Star Wars: The Clone Wars; Janina Gavankar of Arrow, The L Word, and The League (she's Shiva!); and the Queen of the Nerds- Jane Espenson. 

Ashley, Janina, and Jane

 While all three are awesome ladies, this was a ridiculous theme for a panel- at the very least, it should've been longer. Anyone that has ever heard or read Jane Espenson speak on writing knows that she should basically be getting the IGN theater treatment. She was the first to arrive and got a huge applause just on her own. Last year, we went to her Husbands panel (which happened again this year, but we missed it) and we both walked away high on inspiration from Jane and suddenly desperate to create our own web content (my roommate got over the buzz in a few days/weeks- I did not). Janina really didn't get to speak much until the end about how it is difficult to be a strong minority actress and how the current issue is that she's mostly getting casted as cops, lawyers, and lesbians because strong female characters tend to be those. And Ashley didn't get to speak enough about both voice acting and the troubling realization that led her to create HerUniverse as no one bothered to create quality sci-fi inspired clothing specifically for women before.

They talked a little bit about a lot of things and were only able to briefly consider it. But even before the panel started, there were things being said that don't get said enough: like how drag queens and transgendered people should be included in panels like that one with women and how there have always been more women then men cosplaying as the TARDIS and what exactly that means (Is it that it's so open to creativity that anyone of any size can feel comfortable making it their own? Is it that we've almost co-opted the TARDIS as a female- even before it was brought up in the show- because of a lack of female characters that fill that role of strength and amazing power?).

Maybe that's why such a large crowd (which was very mixed gender-wise) was drawn to that panel. We just want someone to be asking the questions outloud that no one else seems to bother to voice. I still wanted to hear more. I wanted Ashley's take on how difficult it is for women to get into voice acting- especially dramatic voice acting. I wanted Janina's take on why all the strong women role are cops, lawyers, and lesbians but not always people that are given a spotlight in shows that have those characters. And I wanted to ask Jane about if she thinks that there's a flaw with most mainstream writing where writers tend to favor to write characters that are writers.

The bug that started to gnaw on me on Friday started to gnaw a little harder and deeper.

Here is one of my favorite costumes from the con, to brighten things up while I try to figure out what this bug is:

We went back to the floor after that panel, having some time before we'd sneak into the Vertigo panel in order to get good seats for Peter Davison's panel. This was when Artist's Alley was getting tight and I was starting to feel discouraged with what I was able to see. I felt like I was surrounded by things that belonged on Escher Girls. I was really struggling to find existing pieces of female superheroes powerful poses OR in perspectives that didn't have their boobs be the center piece (and often with their nipples showing through the costumes as well). The powerful poses thing was almost ridiculous- as anywhere I looked, there was a female cosplayer doing one for a photo. It's not that difficult to figure out- a powerful pose is one that someone that feels strong and confident naturally stands in! Ugh.

Insert random awesome Cyborg Darth Maul:

So then there was the Peter Davison panel. Which I have no pictures of as I was worried about my phone dying before I got home (as the CTA plotted to make the weeks I planned to take the Green Line as frustratingly difficult as possible). He was AMAZING. I almost typed "Awemazing" because my brain couldn't comprend the mixture of amazing and awesome that he was. Just a lovely lovely man with the patience of a saint. You can tell that he has been doing panels for decades because he could turn the worst questions (and non-questions) into chances to tell wonderful anecdotes. I could've listened to him for hours. I did feel terrible for him with the amount of awkward "So... you're, like, related to David Tennant now, right? Is that awesome? Can you tell him I love him?"-types of "questions". But, seriously, if you ever have a chance to go to an event with him speaking, I really recommend making an effort to go to it.

But one of the questions he was asked was about how Doctor Who has gone from obscure to mainstream- first in Britain and now, in a much smaller window of time, in the US. He brought up how fandom brings people together and all of a sudden, I found myself whispering in a sad tone to roommate, "... but it doesn't."

She agreed. Later on, we were at dinner and trying to figure out why we felt that way.

See Part Two for the rest of my thought process on that matter.