Spores, Molds, and Fungus: Harold Ramis Has Died

I seriously don't remember ever watching a movie before Ghostbusters. And I certainly don't remember voluntarily rewatching any movies before Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II.

Groundhog Day is basically a religious experience for me. It's one of my "I'm having a sad day" movies. It's a movie that I will watch on repeat all day even on days that are not Groundhog Day. I've even driven up to Woodstock, IL in the winter just to take a look at the shooting location in the snow (it's beautiful, by the way).

The emotional journey in that film is something that my mind will wander to frequently in everyday life. Especially the concept that Phil had, by the end of the film, repeated the day for decades worth of time. I always wondered how the hell he would return to life after having lived more life in that one day than before that one day. Would he have forgotten his address back home? Would he not know how to present the weather any more? Are there names of people that he lost during that time, just because he didn't interact with them during the decades he spent trapped in Punxsutawney? And how crushing would his love for Rita be by then, after decades of just trying to win her over and over and over again?

I, quite literally, just found out about Harold Ramis dying. And I got teary. Not just "Oh, that's sad." or "Oh, that's tragic." but honest-to-goodness teary. I don't normally get that way over celebrity deaths. And it's not like he was a spring chicken, right? Nor was he in the middle of a career renaissance. But... he was Harold Ramis. He gave us comedy that wasn't just funny but was also intelligent. He gave us stories that went in directions no one expected and let the characters experience things.

He was able to direct Bill Murray at the height of his Bill Murray-ness. And directed some of the best episodes of the Office.

Not to mention... Egon Spengler. He was Egon Spengler. Possibly the best geek ever put on screen (other than the Doctor).

Mr. Ramis, you will be dearly missed.

I May Not Have Much To Look Forward To, But I Finally Made a Great Pandora Station!

So, I've been pretty bummed about a lot of things lately.

One of the issues was the realization that even if I do still have a full-time job at the end of this fiscal year, there's no possibility for growth. Not unless they start randomly paying me a lot more so that I can go back to school. I'm at the height of where I can go in this organization as I.T. and it's rather depressing.

Another issue was, as I only just realized, figuring out how to adjust to having no more deadlines fueling my workload. When I was still partially a data manager, I used to have frequently very important deadlines to work towards and had to keep multiple supervisors in the loop about my progress.

Now I'm just I.T. and other than when someone asks about how a purchase issue or if there's a sudden emergency tech issue... no one really gives a flying fuck about what I'm doing or how long it will take.

Part of why it took me so long to realize this was that I spent October, November, and part of December operating on a very tight schedule of one-on-one sessions. Then January hit and things were so fucking loose. And we were given time off. Suddenly, I realized that because I was now on more of a beck-and-call schedule... and because I was miserable... I could fuck around on the computer a lot during work hours and no one would really care. And I felt a certain amount of "serves you right!" towards "the man" about the whole situation, too.

And then the guilt took over. Massive, massive guilt.

So, now I'm getting over that phase (thankfully) and adjusting to actually doing some work again. Busy work that I'd usually consider eventually doing but would put off. And while I'm doing that, I'm able to momentarily go off-task without turning my whole day into being off-task.

And, in the process, I managed to finally curate a really diverse Pandora station that didn't fall to pieces (yet). It's my background noise for these busy-work tasks and my savior between horrible I.T. emergency requests. And because I'm not working constantly towards crazy deadlines, it's okay to actually go in and curate it while working now.

I called it Clusterf*ck Radio.

So, at least I'm achieving something, right?!

Manic Whimsy Dream Boy of Doom

So... I'm not the type to have crushes. I don't fall in love and I don't even prioritize romantic love. I'm not the type to have my favorite thing about a story be the romance. In fact, often it is my least favorite thing about most stories.

Sometimes I like love stories. Just not super often. But when I do, it's often when I'm feeling my moodiest.

At some point in my teens, I had a few certainties that just appeared in my mind. Be they weird mis-fires or what, they happened. They weren't all correct- I was certain I would die before my nineteenth birthday, for one, and that's clearly not what happened. I was certain I would eventually run away, which I did... before running back for two years.

I was also certain that when I did finally find the love of my life, it would be with someone that was bipolar with severe mania.

It's quite specific, I know. And I've managed to yet to actually achieve that. I have never fallen in love and I've yet to have a romantic relationship with someone that is bipolar with manic episodes.

I have, however, had some amazing friendships with more than one person with tragic mental illnesses that have made our friendships all the stronger. I gravitate towards people with intense emotions and I have been that way my whole life. I don't know if I quite realized that during my teens yet, though.

But, I will say, that a couple years after that certainty planted itself in my mind... season four of Ally McBeal happened.

I probably need to explain that further, don't I?

My father watched Ally McBeal regularly as did a great amount of people in the late 90s. My father watched it mostly for the musical element of the show but the show did seem mildly amusing in the 90s. I would watch with him, rolling my eyes at Ally's man-hungry ways and not understanding her motives at all. But I found it amusing for the most part, not realizing how disgusting most of the characters were in a human rights point of view about quite a few "funny" topics (like any time a LBGTQ character appeared or any character with a diagnosed serious disorder).

But then came the fourth season. And Robert Downey Jr came with it. For those of you that don't remember this time in history, Downey had just spent about a year in prison after being in a Lohan-esque spiral of missing a few court-ordered drug tests that were part of his parole agreement. The lawyers that got O.J. off could not save him from a year in prison, that's how damning the situation was.

And, a week after he was released from that long stay, he was hired to be a new cast member on the fourth season of Ally McBeal as Ally's new love interest. Because that was David E. Kelly's hiring style.

And he was... amazing. He was the male version of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

He wore plaid shirts with suits. He had adorable glasses that matched his outfits. He had Robert Downey Jr's amazing thick eyelashes that make it look like he's wearing eyeliner. He was quick and funny and quirky and just... got people. He played the piano and sang (he sang Joni Mitchell's "River" when he thought no one was listening). He built Ally a snowman version of himself to keep her company while he was out of town. He was broken and sad at Christmas because he was also anastranged father to a little boy. Hell, he even had great kind relationships with both the mother of his child and his ex-wife. Also: he was Robert Downey Jr- do I really need to explain the charisma more? He was universally adored for his performance on the show, needless to say.

It was in that character, I now realize, that I saw the embodiment of the imaginary love of my life that I had imagined for myself (and doomed myself to).

Now, like I've said, I have yet to actually fall in love. I'm not looking for love and I'm not too keen on the topic. But November is difficult for me. And I've found myself watching that season of Ally McBeal on Hulu (and have now seen the same ad for NickMom so many times that I have lost all fondness for Tia Mowry).

I thought I just had a thing for Robert Downey Jr but I tried watching some of my favorite RDJ movies (other than the Marvel movies or Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) and it just wasn't the same.

But I do know that, no matter how much the character of Ally McBeal bugs the hell out of me, I do feel a sadness for how the season ended- more for how it ended in reality than how it ended in the show. As you might remember, Downey had not quite finished his downward spiral and was arrested two more times and found to be under the influence of drugs during his time on the show and was fired at the end of the season and the wedding between his character and Ally was scrapped (however, the season finale was still called "The Wedding" and I have to wonder if that was because the title had already been released or if it was David E. Kelly being weird/funny/whatever).

The next year, the ratings plummeted. Jon Bon Jovi as the new love interest just wasn't the same. The cast was itching to move on. The show was canceled. And, as a viewer, you just felt bad for everyone involved, as the show had clearly gotten reinvigorated the previous year, only for life's harsh realities to step in. Like when you date someone who seems amazing and draws you into their fantasy world only for everything to come crashing down when they go into a manic depressive spiral that you weren't expecting and can't fix.

And I'm still watching old episodes of this stupid show for this one man. Like those creepy old ladies that talk wistfully about their lost loves and stare at their old pictures.

I have no idea where I was going with this. Other than I need to remember to go into my Hulu account settings to hide all the Ally McBeal. And that I fucking hate that theme song.

Well, That Was A Depressing Insight...

Have you ever ended up on the Hanes website looking for deals on underthings?

First, there's the annoying realization that even online you can't buy a six pack of hipsters in just one color- you still have to get a variety pack. And, even worse, you won't know what type of variety pack it will be when you get it.

Secondly, you start looking at what the other options are- which leads you to discover depressing things.

Things like the novelty designs for women's underwear.

Now, you may be thinking, "Wow, you're over-reacting. They're just panties that say USA."

No. Go look at the other options given. "I Love Sailors", "Burnt Out", "I'm Your Biggest Fan" are a few choices. 

I'll freely admit that I'm a prude, but... ew. Some of them aren't so bad, but... EWWWW. How exactly did Hanes end up at the decision of, "Hey, you know what we should make as cartoony novelty panties? Ones for groupies and fleet week floosies! Because we think this is 1970. What's this internet you're talking of?"

Not exactly what I was expecting for novelty underwear from Hanes. 

Then again, I still don't know why I can't just get a well-priced six pack of dark color, no pattern, tagless, cotton briefs in a hipster cut from them. So, what do I know?